Memory is a Tenuous Thing
by CaroxxJane
Summary: Post-2.14 Chuck would do anything for her.
1. Flickering glimpses

_I hope you can hear me  
I remember it clearly._

The day you slipped away  
Was the day I found  
It, won't be the same

_Avril Lavigne – Slipped Away_

Dead. Everyone was dead. Well, not _everyone_, only those that he cared about. Everyone he loved. No, not loved. Chuck Bass didn't love anyone, not even himself. Especially not now. Not now that he was sitting alone in his suite, nursing his fifth glass of scotch that day even though it was only eleven o'clock in the morning. He had woken up surprisingly early for someone with one hell of a hangover. Normally, he slept until two in the afternoon and didn't fall asleep until the sun began to rise.

Nightmares did tend to wake some people up, though.

Even hours later, he still remembered the exact details of it.

'_He was exactly wear he was now, only there was less sunlight. He was just sitting there, half a bottle of scotch on the table next to him, when he heard a knock at the door. He didn't move. Whoever was at the door didn't expect him to._

"_Chuck?" It was Serena, "Chuck, I know you're in there."_

_Silence._

"_Please, just open the door. I need to talk to you."_

_Silence._

"_Chuck, I am begging you. Please, ope-" The door swung open._

_Chuck stared at her and she stared back, not wanting to look away from him. Blair had been right about his eyes. Gone from them was their usual gleam of mischief, their normal sparkle, and in their place were a pair of dark orbs filled with such sadness it made Serena want to cry. _

_He said nothing and stepped out of her way, allowing her to walk through the door. _

"_What was so urgent that you had to start banging on my door at this time of night?" He asked, his tone cold, almost unfeeling. _

_Serena took a deep breath, before she replied, "I just got a phone call. I-it was Eleanor and she, she said that Blair wa-was…" Tears were falling from her eyes now, but Chuck didn't even acknowledge them. He just waited for her to finish, praying to a God he never believed in that she didn't say what he thought she was going to._

"_That Blair was dead." She choked out. He felt as if he couldn't breathe, he didn't want to. He knew that this was all his fault in some fucked up, indirect way._

"_No." He said, hoping that denying the truth would make it a lie._

"_Yes."_

"_No!" Chuck yelled, slamming Serena's body against the wall. The air exited her lungs quickly and he had her pinned between his arms, preventing her from escaping._

"_Chuck, you need to let go of me." When he didn't comply, she began to fight harder to get away from him. His face was so close that she could smell the alcohol on his breath._

_Chuck wasn't sure what to do. He just wanted to feel again. To feel Blair. Her skin on his, their lips fused together. So he kissed her, but it was all wrong. Her lips tasted of whatever expensive lip gloss she was wearing, where as her best friend always applied a clear coat of strawberry flavored gloss because she hated the taste of the unflavored brands. Never the less, his tongue delved deep inside the blonde's mouth, trying to imagine Blair's taste instead of her friend's._

_Serena was still trying her best to push him off, but he was persistent._

"_Chuck, please, no! Let me go! Please!" She cried, squirming around, trying to free herself from his strong grip. He didn't acknowledge the fear that was evident in her pleas. It didn't even phase him._

_She whimpered as his teeth sank into her bottom lip, drawing blood. He tasted the metallic liquid and almost instantly remembered that what he was doing was wrong. He quickly pushed himself away from her and she took this chance to flee the room, tears falling faster down her cheeks than before._

_He heard the door slam behind her and picked up the bottle on the table. He inspected it for a moment, it was expensive. He didn't care. He threw it against the wall where Serena had been standing only seconds ago, reveling in the sound of the crash it made._

_He walked over to the broken bottle, not even bothering to try and avoid the shattered glass on the ground. He felt an unpleasant burning behind his eyes, his vision was getting cloudy, and he felt something wet on his cheek. He was crying._

And that was when he woke up. He quickly realized that it had all been a dream and sighed in relief. Then, he stood up, off of the floor where he had been passed out, and immediately felt pain in both of his feet. He mad his way to the couch, sat down, and moved to look at the bottoms of his feet. There were cuts on them, both deep and shallow, and he realized that his nightmare was reality.

For the next few hours, he just sat there and drank his problems away. Eventually, the rest of the world seemed to fade away and he could truly relax.

--

Hours later, an average looking brunette was standing at his door. This didn't surprise him, he hired her. He wasted no time, pulling her into his suite and pushing her against the wall.

"What's your name?" He asked, his mouth only a hairsbreadth away from hers.

"Heather." She responded.

"I don't want you to be Heather. I want you to be Blair."

"I can do that." But, she couldn't because she wasn't. Her kisses didn't taste the same, her breasts were too large, her voice too high, her nails weren't long enough, and her touch didn't set his skin on fire. Not like Blair's.

His fingers were digging into her hips and all he could think about was how much wider hers were than Blair's. Her lips were attacking his shoulder and he noticed that Blair's lips were fuller than hers. It became quite obvious that the girl beneath him wasn't the one he loved.

He kicked her out two minutes later. Throwing a few hundreds in her general direction, he slammed the door in the poor girl's face. He sat down on his couch and started to pour himself another glass of scotch, before deciding that he didn't need a glass and took a drink straight from the bottle.

He took a drag from the joint that he didn't remember lighting and let his mind wander to a happier time.

'_It had been three days since his father's wedding and, despite what he said about taking it slow, he and Blair were lying in bed, basking in their afterglow. He was peppering soft kisses on her neck and shoulder, listening to the slight hitches in her breath. She rolled over to face him._

"_Can we go to Tuscany now?" She asked, smiling at him._

_He fucking loved her smile._

"_Impatient, aren't we?" He smirked and pressed his lips against hers, softly._

"_I'm just so excited! I'm really looking forward to spending time with you."_

"_We are spending time. We spend all of our time together." He pointed out._

"_We spend all of our time together _in bed_" She rolled her eyes at him._

"_That's where we will be spending it in Tuscany."_

"_No, we'll be doing other things too. Like sight seeing, shopping, and whatever else I want to do."_

"_But, what about what I want to do? What about _my_ needs?" He whined, playfully._

"_Your needs may be a problem. We'll need to make sure all of your needs are met before we leave." She replied, moving to straddle his hips._

_She leaned down and kissed him slowly. The kiss quickly escalated, becoming more passionate with each passing second. Her hands had fisted in his dark hair, his were gripping her hips, as their tongues tangled together._

_She pressed her bare chest against his and he inhaled sharply. Their mouths still fused together, he flipped them over so that he was above her and began to place tender kisses down her neck. She sighed, reveling in the feel of his soft lips against her skin. _

_There was a knock at the door._

"_Blair, Chuck? Are you, uh, decent?" Serena._

"_Nope." Chuck responded, before capturing Blair's lips again, hoping Serena would take the hint._

_Apparently, she didn't. "Well, get dressed. We're supposed to have some sort of family dinner, or something of the like." _

_Chuck groaned and rolled off of the brunette below him. "We'll be right down, S." Blair said, getting up and picking her dress up off of the floor and sliding it over her head._

"_Great." Serena said and Chuck then heard the anticipated sound of her footsteps going away from his door. _

"_Thank God, she's gone." He sighed, grabbing Blair's arm and pulling her back down on top of him. He quickly pressed his lips to hers and pulled her hips against his._

"_They're going to start to wonder where we are." She murmured against his lips and he took this opportunity to thrust tongue into her mouth._

"_They'll know. They'll be able to hear you scream my name and know exactly where we are and what we're doing." He mumbled, while his hands made their way up her skirt, coming to rest on her, still bare, bottom. She moaned at the feeling of his cool skin against hers, which was currently burning with desire._

"_No, Chuck. We've got to go downstairs." She said, getting off of him. "But, if you behave yourself, you will be rewarded."_

_She didn't even bother took pick up her black panties from the floor as she walked out of the door and down the stairs._

_Watching her go, he felt an all too familiar fluttering in his stomach._

_Damn butterflies.'_

His cell phone began to ring, disturbing his memories. He looked at the screen. Six new messages. One from Lily, one from Jack, and the rest were from Gossip Girl. Wait, he noticed a message sent from an unidentified number.

It read: _If you want answers, meet on the roof of Victrola at 8:30 on the dot. If you're late, you won't find out where she is._

_-J_

His first thought was to delete it, it was most likely someone trying to fuck with his head. But, he noticed it said 'where _she _is'. Could whoever this 'J' was be talking about Blair? He doubted it, but saw no harm in checking it out.

**A/N: This has been finished for forever and I really need you guys to tell me if it sucks. My friend, Halle, doesn't really grasp the point of fanfiction and has decided to write about herself. This should be interesting. I just realized that the text is slightly misleading, as told to me by someone I know, so I just wanted to let you know that this 'J' is not Jenny Humphrey. She is my extremely bad-ass OC. She will appear in the next chapter, which is almost finished, but I may need some motivation from you, my reviewers, to finish it. That being said:**

**Review!**

**Caroline**


	2. blue and white

_In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy' but in passing it over, he is superior._

_-Francis Bacon_

The roof was cold that night, as Chuck had expected. He hadn't been up there in a while. Not since he last saw Blair. If she were here, she would keep him balanced, keep him from teetering over the edge. But she wasn't there and she couldn't stop him from doing what had just crossed his mind.

He had begun to walk determinedly towards the edge of the roof. He hoisted himself up, onto the ledge. He didn't want to be there. Didn't want to be anywhere. He didn't even want to exist. It was impossible to do so, in a world that had been so cruel to him. He hurt so badly, he just wanted it to end.

He dangled his left foot over the edge, contemplating whether or not he should let himself fall. It was a tough decision. To live or to die. Death would be easy, life would be harder and anyone who knew Chuck Bass knew that he always tried to take the easy way out. His decision was made and he knew that there would be no turning back. He took a deep breath and was just about to step off of the edge, when someone grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him back.

He hit the ground with a loud 'thump' and yelled, "What the hell?!"

"I think I should be asking you that! What the fuck made that seem like a good idea, dumb ass?!" A hand connected with his cheek.

"Ow! Who the fuck are you?" He asked, his hand on his rapidly reddening cheek.

"I'm Jade, the one who texted you. Clearly, I should have found somewhere else to meet." The girl, currently, towering above him said, rolling her eyes and looking at the spot he stood only a moment ago.

"Its not like I was actually going to jump." He said, standing up from his position on the concrete and brushing off his jacket.

"You looked pretty serious to me, but I'm not here to be your therapist, so lets move on. I'm guessing you already know why your here."

"And why is that?"

"You want to know who killed your girlfriend."

"No one killed her, she was in a car accident." Chuck said, remembering a conversation he overheard between Lily and Serena. He was sure that they stood outside of his door just so he could here them.

"Who do you think was in the car? Because I know, for a fact, that it was not some idiot who got smashed and decided to drive home." She stepped closer to him, getting in his face, as if that would help her prove her point.

"And how are you so sure?"

"Because, the guy in the car that hit her, was the same one that killed your father. And before you say that was an accident as well, it wasn't."

"Why should I believe you? I don't know you and you don't know me, so why the hell would you even want to help me?"

"I have my reasons, revenge being one of them. I've been in your place before, losing everyone you've ever cared about. All you want is to get them back, let them leave on a different note, maybe apologize for something you said or did. But, most of all, you want revenge on the people who caused your pain."

"That doesn't mean I'm going to let you help me."

Jade rolled her eyes and ran her fingers through her short black hair. "Well, you haven't got much of a choice. I need your help almost as much as you need mine. They outnumber me, there are at least six of them."

"I'm guessing you aren't very good at math because, even with my help, we would still be out numbered." Chuck pointed out.

"Yes, but you have friends. Friends who probably don't want revenge nearly as much as you do, but could still prove valuable."

"So, you're saying that you want me to gather reinforcements, so we don't lose." She nods. "No." He shakes his head, "They would never go for it."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I know them, the only one who would be angry enough, but not completely distraught, would be Nathaniel and he's not a very competent person."

"And this is why no one likes you."

They were silent. His eyes moved from her face to the Manhattan skyline, something he once found so beautiful. He couldn't enjoy its beauty anymore, couldn't enjoy anything really. He never really could.

"Is she still alive?" He asked, still not looking at the woman next to him.

"It's too soon to know for sure. She could be, but don't count on it." She turned to him, studying his facial expression. She saw a glimmer of hope in his dark eyes, but it was gone as quickly as it had appeared.

"Wouldn't dream of it." He mumbled, hanging his head and staring intently at the ground.

She sighed, putting a hand on his shoulder. He thought about shrugging it off, but just let it rest there, comfortingly.

"Well, it's cold and I'm hungry, so what do you say to dinner? You look like you haven't eaten in days." She asked.

He nodded his head, pulling away from her. "Sounds good."

"Alright, I would say that we just go now, but you really need to shower. I'm not going anywhere with you, until you're clean." She smirked, leading him towards the stairs.

The corners of his mouth turned upwards, only slightly. Jade reminded him so much of Blair. She was different though, probably because she wasn't her. Blair was gone, but he hoped that there was still time to find her.


End file.
